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Things that girls should be taught in school by professionals (over the course of 13 years)

- How to bitch slap when little boys get rowdy
- To not cry at everything that ever happens
- What stuff is cute to wear (crocs and a skort are a no)
- How to decode male actions
- How to put on a bra
- To kick ass in at least one sport or art or music
- How to put on eye liner and mascara
- How to put on foundation but only when necessary
- How to use a tampon
- Kissing
- What is good music
- What to wear at what place for which occasion around which people
- How to handle overbearing parents
- How to give handjobs and blowjobs
- Being nice to other girls

Things that happen that we wish would not happen

- Awesome books being made into shitty movies
- Presentations in front of the class
- Telling your mom you lost your virginity
- Burning the sides of brownies
- Losing after playing Monopoly for 4 and a half hours
- The ending of Marley and Me
- Queefs
- The word “queef”
- When your skirt gets caught in your thong
- Teachers hearing you insult them
- Stepping on your pet
- Domestic violence
- Floods
- Child trafficking
- Pocahontas 2

I’m not a super emotional person and it takes a lot for someone to get real emotion out of me. The problem isn’t that I don’t feel things, it’s that when I do feel things, I feel them so much and so hard and it kinda destroys me and I wish I just felt a little bit more often instead of a whole shiton in rare occasions. I don’t know, it’s just painful.

"I’m so fat." says the 93 pound girl.
“I’m so broken out.” says the girl with flawless skin.
“I’m so ugly.” says the girl with five boyfriends.
“I’m so stupid.” says the girl with the 98 on her calc test.
“I’m so fucking done with you bitches.” says myself while holding a machete to their heads.

You might be a dumb bitch if you:

- refuse to help someone with their homework and call it “cheating”

- look someone up and down right when you see them

- over exaggerate the “mouth opening reflex” when you put on mascara

- wear fake eye lashes

- get spray tans

- wear two push up bras

- think a size 6 is fat

- call yourself fat when you’re a size 2

- call yourself fat

- txt lyk dis

- tweet about every single relationship issue you have

- post more than one Instagram picture a day

- tell yourself Happy Birthday

- sneeze like a chipmunk fart

- call a boy you’ve run into in public twice a “stalker”

- flirt with your teacher

- post a selfie once a day (Double dumb bitch: call yourself ugly in the selfie caption)

- refuse to eat in front of males

- make the focus of your selfies your boobs

- bend down in pictures to show off your ass/boobs

- have a foundation line along your jaw

- get dermal peircings

- put on too much body spray

- act like you’re smarter than everyone

- dye the shit out of your hair until it’s dead

- mix up “you’re” and “your” or “lose” and “loose”

- say that you love country music and wear some stupid, generic, sexual cowgirl outfit to a rodeo

- tweet about other girls’ looks

- “jokingly” ask for sex on social media

- tweet anything about being naked

- have a fake, high-pitched shriek laugh

- sing loudly and confidently when you suck

- say you’re a professional twerker (there are exceptions)

- are a feminist

- whine when the teacher doesn’t give homework

- are extremely opinionated about everything and are super “anti-conformist”

- act fake with pitchy voices and such

You might be a douchebag if you:

- wear 7 gallons of hair gel every day

- feel the need to back into your parking spot and you drive a Prius-sized car

- wear jewelry

- wear sunglasses indoors

- wear 2 pairs of socks or more at the same time

- cut off the sleeves down to your waist on every shirt you own

- take selfies in the bathroom ( Double Douche: if you are shirtless/flex in the mirror)

- wear your headphones around your neck at school

- only tweet by way of subtweets so the rest of us have to read your stupid shit

- wear snapbacks with the sticker still intact

- wear snapbacks almost falling off your head

- wear snapbacks

- call country music “gay”

- wear color-changing glasses or colored contacts

- wear basketball shoes outside of basketball

- speak stupidly to your teachers

- wear colored preppy shorts with moccasins every single day

- have bumper stickers that express your love of partying

- take pictures of yourself “getting turnt”

- post pictures of your girlfriend calling her “Bae,” “Bby,” or “Future Wifey”

- have clearly disproportionate, big ass tires

- wear lax pennies outside of lacrosse

- grow your hair to the back of your knees (there are exceptions to this)

- tweet about dubstep and trap music when you’ve heard one song

- honk your horn ALL THE TIME

- wear mid calves with dress shorts

- speed 20 mph + over the speed limit

- flaunt your wealth as much as humanly possible

- treat your family like shit

- be too touchy

- call a girl a “prude”

- be a vegan

- have no manners

- talk about a girl’s period

- ask for nudes

- say it’s unattractive when girls cuss

- tweet super emotional things every other tweet

- make out with your girlfriend like it’ll be your last time ever seeing each other between classes

- pretend to be straight when you are clearly not

- swing your lanyard like a lasso

- flirt with other girls when you have a girlfriend

- don’t have opinions on anything

- act like you’re above everyone

- flirt with female teachers

I thought I’d make a list.

Les Miserables-

  • Jean Valjean
  • Javert
  • Gavroche
  • Eponine
  • Enjolras
  • Fantine

Teen Wolf-

  • Erica
  • Boyd

Harry Potter-

  • Harry’s parents
  • Cedric Diggory
  • Sirius Black
  • Albus Dumbledore
  • Hedwig
  • Alastor Moody
  • Dobby
  • Fred Weasley
  • Remus Lupin
  • Nymphadora Tonks
  • Severus Snape

The Book Thief-

  • Hanz
  • Rosa
  • Rudy

Hunger Games-

  • Rue
  • Thresh
  • Old man from District 11
  • Cinna
  • Mags
  • Wiress
  • Finnick
  • Boggs
  • Prim

Up- Ellie

The Green Mile- John Coffey

The Last Song- Ronnie’s dad

A Walk to Remember- Jamie

Moulin Rouge- Satine

Gran Torino- Walt Kowalski

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas- Bruno and Shmuel

Glory- 54th Massachusetts Regiment(based on real but fake characters)

Gladiator- Maximus (and his family)

Lion King- Mufasa

Where the Red Fern Grows- Dan and Ann

Great Gatsby- Jay Gatsby

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